The Reacher-The person in the relationship who is reaching above and beyond there “league” to be with someone they feel that is too good to be true. On HIMYM this would definitely be Marshall.

The Settler- The person in the relationship who could probably do better if they wanted to but is content with just settling on what makes them happy for the time being and maybe longer (if your lucky). On HIMYM this is Lily.

Now based on those definitions, this relationship model seems a little lop-sided and destined for failure. The reacher is always going to have to keep the settler appeased and happy or they risk the demise of the relationship because the settler no longer is being satisfied. So, is it safe to assume that the settler holds all the cards and is in total control at all times of the relationship….uh, YEAH!

Now, according to HIMYM, every relationship has a reacher and a settler. I don’t necessarily disagree with this, but I will say that I think that the roles are interchangeable and revolving. I believe that at times in a relationship one can be a reacher- maybe in the beginning when you find what at the time appears to be your PERFECT match, as well as a settler- once you realize that all that glitters isn’t gold, but you’ve already invested the time and emotions and just aren’t prepared to give up on your love. I also believe that the perception of reacher and settler is one that is often times made from an outside observer not the individuals who are in the relationship.

Take Lily and Marshall for instance. It was Robin and Ted (stay with me) that informed Marshall that he was the reacher in his relationship. Keep in mind that neither Ted nor Robin has been in a long term nor healthy relationship….ever, so their credibility is somewhat questionable but there intentions on sharing this information with Marshall were good ( I think).

Let me just say for the record that I am definitely not “reaching” or “settling” in my relationship at the moment, but at times I have worn both hats as has my husband. The long and short of it is that any successful relationship is all about compromise, give and take…reach and settle. Get it?

So, which are you…a reacher or a settler?

This year I made myself a promise. I’m not going to make any resolutions. I think that they are just too much pressure and I do not work well under pressure. Instead this year, I think that I will just focus on consciously changing bad habits into good habits. I’ll tackle one at a time so that I am making headway but not adding too much pressure on myself. As for my husband, well he tends to tackle challenges multiples at a time. For instance, the man stopped smoking, lost weight and cut out eating pork all at the same time, And he’s never looked back! He is truly my hero. I’m still working on eating less carbs (3 years running) and he completely cut them out! It must be a testosterone thing!

One resolution that we have been able to maintain as a couple is our support for one another. I recently decided to change career paths and let me tell you it has not been easy. It has not been financially or other wise beneficial for our family as of yet but because my husband supports me and believes in me I was able to make the transition without feeling additional stress or guilt for bringing in less money for our family. Although I know that my choice will pay off in the long run, it is comforting to know that he has my back. Likewise, I support him in his decisions. Being supportive is something that I promised both him and myself that I would work on because I do tend to be such a security/control freak and I’ve done pretty good at holding up my end of the deal!

So, this year I resolve not to make resolutions but to make life changes necessary for the growth of both my family and my relationship.

What are your personal resolutions? What about your relationship resolutions?

Have a happy and prosperous 2012!!!

xoxo

I am guilty of it. I constantly refer to my husband as my best friend and you know what, he is! I tell him just about everything and I would like to think that he tells me just about everything. So, who are you sharing that other information with? I know that for me, it’s typically my girlfriends or my sisters but NOT my hubby! Hey, a girl needs her secrets and so does a man, and let’s face it there are just some things you should not tell your significant other even if you could, don’t you agree?

It’s funny because my husband and I are truly divided on this topic. He believes that I should tell him everything and that he should tell me everything (even though I know he doesn’t and that’s cool). I on the other hand think that it is important at times to have someone who you can better relate with to share certain things. Examples, of course!

Things to share with your GF not your BF

Gossip
My sister always says to me that she can’t stand a man who gossips like a woman! It cracks me up every time she says it but you know what, she’s right! Now, I like to gossip like the next chick but one thing that I have to say that I really need work on is to NOT do it with my husband. I really need to stop for two reasons: 1) He really doesn’t care about what I’m talking about so he usually tunes me out or just smiles and says “yes dear”. 2) I would absolutely cringe if he were ever to come back to me with “child, did you hear about Beyonce’…?” Doubtful that it would happen but I don’t want to take any chances.

Feminine Issues
Okay, this is a touchy subject so I will not elaborate much. Anything dealing with what happens to a woman regarding reproduction, menstruation or hormones should not be discussed with your man. He couldn’t begin to understand or care. That’s what your girls are for. My husband thinks that PMS is something that I made up to get chocolate and eat McDonald’s cheeseburgers- I have real cravings for them, I swear!

Your Girlfriends
I’m telling you that you are setting yourself up for failure with this one! Men were born without filters and will embarrass you. When you talk to your man about your girlfriends and how they may have pissed you off, he will check them for you whether you want him to or not. Or at the very least ask you (when she leaves, if you’re lucky) why you continue to hang around her if you really don’t like her, seriously? You see, men don’t understand that woman are catty; most of the time what we are saying is based on our emotions at that time. We don’t really mean it, duh! Your girls however, understand this and know how to keep their mouths shut and pay you no mind when you’re going off about your friend because tomorrow you will be thick as thieves all over again!

Things to share with your BF not your GF

Relationship
Let me clarify this a bit for you. You can share with your girlfriends the light- hearted, “fluffy” details of your relationship (i.e. my man bought me a bouquet of flowers) but they really aren’t the best source for any intimate details of your relationship. I have a policy with my girls, what I don’t tell you about is not for you to know, so don’t ask me and I won’t ask you. As a matter of fact, I have been known to stop my girls mid-sentence if I feel like they are about to divulge something that I just really don’t want to know. Really, you should be speaking with your partner about those types of issues. You will be amazed at how being open and honest about how you feel can really strengthen a relationship. But if you just can’t talk to your man about your relationship, I suggest that you speak with a professional (shrink or therapist), your mother (if you have that kind of relationship) or your sister (again, if you have that kind of relationship). Trust me, it’s safer that way!

Insecurities
Again, let me preface this with saying that certain things really do not need to be shared with anyone but I do feel that in a real relationship you can share these types of issues with your partner. If they are decent, they will not hold this information to be used against you in a negative manner at a later date but that is where trust and respect come into play. Your girls don’t ever, ever, ever need to know where to find your Achilles heel. Never let ‘em see you sweat, as a matter of fact never let ‘em KNOW you sweat!

Finances
I LIVE by this rule! Have you ever had a friend that you went out with on a regular basis that was always BROKE? Guess what, they’re not broke, they just know how much you make and like to help you spend your money! I bet they never told you how much they make and I bet you never asked. There’s a reason for that; you’re being played like a fiddle! My motto for my girls is ‘if we aren’t going dutch then we aren’t going out!’ Ladies, you have no business buying bottles for your girls! That’s what their man is for! Keep your money for those cute shoes that you saw, your girl sure is!

Bottom line is that it’s okay to share things with your man but not everything. It’s just the design of the relationship between a man and a woman. If he was suppose to know EVERYTHING then God would have made him a woman!

Do you tell your man everything? If not, what are your reasons? I’d love to hear your feedback!

Happy Thanksgiving

You see, my M.I.L. is just sick and tired of the drama. The same drama that every family goes through; this one is mad at this one for something that they said and that one doesn’t like that one because of what they did….DRAMA! I honestly feel bad that I will not be able to enjoy my M.I.L.’s fantastic meal but everything happens for a reason and perhaps it’s time for me and mine to start our own little tradition of a Thanksgiving meal prepared at our home. It’s just not going to be the same without the “live” entertainment.

This incident is so different from how Thanksgiving used to be in my house growing up. Yeah, there was drama year ‘round but on Turkey Day, all knives and bad attitudes (most anyway) were dropped to celebrate this very special time of the year. If there was drama on it was a very different kind of drama. It was more comical, like the dueling cousins who fought over who’s mac’n’cheese tasted better or who’s sweet potato pie was the best. I miss those days. I remember, for my own family, Thanksgiving being a time of year that brought all of the siblings together. We would literally laugh until we cried and then laugh some more! I can’t tell you how many wonderful memories of Thanksgivings past that I cherish to this very day. Those are the times that you cherish and for that reason I really believe that M.I.L canceling this year was a blessing in disguise. Besides, it’s been a long time since I’ve challenged myself in the kitchen and I know that my son will be jumping at the chance to cook alongside me (he’s actually a fantastic baker).

foodnetwork.com

What about you? Do you have a Thanksgiving Day tradition that you cherish? What about a funny or crazy Turkey Day story?

Happy Thanksgiving all- Gobble, gobble!

I don’t mind you putting up a little bit of fight, it’s alright.
But why run from what’s gonna hold you tight.

Send me straight to voice mail
Baby I’m just gonna text you

Huh? Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this song and I LOVE Jennifer Hudson- I just think that it’s pretty

Jennifer Hudson

Is there a difference between being delusional in love and being determined to be loved?

I’m big on definitions so I decided to look up the true meaning of delusion.

Delusion- Defined as a false belief or opinion; Psychiatry meaning- a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.

From that definition, I can tell you without any doubt that I have clearly been delusional in past relationships. In fact, it is my belief that anyone who has ever said, I can “change” him or I can “make” her love me is delusional. Sometimes when we want what we want it’s easy to forego common sense and all of those red flags that let us know that we are acting out of character and a bit irrational. My belief is that love, true love can and will make anyone delusional at times. It’s when you can’t identify your delusion from reality where the problems begin. Example, but of course!

Have you ever called your partner more than once in a short period of time as if he/she wouldn’t get one of the several messages that you left? We all (most of us) have done it and I personally think its fine as long as you realize that you are tripping! It’s when it hits you, “hey, I need to call a friend or someone who cares cause leaving another message for this person who obviously doesn’t want to talk to me right now is not cool” that you can make a conscious decision to just STOP IT! I’ve got no problem with that at all.

Now let’s take that same scenario and go a different direction. Instead of forcing yourself to stop calling and leaving messages you decide, “I’m just going to drive over there to see why he/she isn’t picking up the phone”. To me, that is clearly crossing over the line of rational thinking but to some this may be simply taking initiative or being determined to not be ignored. This brings me to my next point. What the heck is the difference between being determined and being delusional? According to the true definition of determination, the answer may surprise you.

Determination- a judicial decision settling and ending a controversy; the resolving of a question by argument or reasoning or firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired end.

I couldn’t have picked a better scenario. Clearly the person who takes initiative and chooses to jump in their car to find out just what is keeping them from being able to reach their significant other by phone is showing determination. Almost makes it more acceptable to be delusional, huh? So why is it that when we hear lyrics such as those in JHud’s song that we think it’s a bit over the top? It just sounds like that sister is determined to hold on to what is hers and she isn’t delusional in the slightest, unless of course the object of her affection has clearly let her know that he is NOT interested- but that’s a whole different video and song!

It just goes to show that there is a very thin line between being delusional or crazy in love and being determined not to lose your love. This at least makes me feel a little bit better about singing along to:

But why run from what’s gonna hold you tight
Through any complications, baby, maybe we can start tonight.

Now granted, in relationships there can be too much determination as well as too much delusional behavior but I think that for the most part if you are in a relationship with someone who loves you and respects you then, “putting up a little bit of fight is alright”! Don’t you think?

So, rate yourself- are you a little delusional in your relationship or just determined?

This month’s Female Eye Candy is none other than Ashanti!

Now ladies, we cannot hate on this talented sister. And fellas, I’m sure that you have nothing but love for Ashanti but let me be the first to admit that this young lady is much more than just a pretty face! Ashanti has been “officially” making music since being discovered by P. Diddy and Bad Boy records at the young age of 14. Her self-titled debut album in 2002 went triple-platinum and earned her the honor of being only the second artist (next to The Beatles) to have three songs in the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100!

Although the controversial singer’s follow-up albums did not boast the same success as her debut album, Ashanti has not slowed down and is currently hard at work on her not yet titled fifth album. In addition to her forthcoming album, there is quite the buzz about the singer potentially replacing Fergie in the group the Black Eyed Peas. If you’re not sure she has what it takes to get the job done with the B.E.P then just listen to Ashanti’s rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I have nothing” with the David Foster and Friends Tour recently in Malayasia.

And fellas, it seems that no one has put a ring on it yet, so Ashanti is a very eligible bachelorette! Check out these stats:

Birth Name- Ashanti Sequoiya Douglas

Birthplace- Glen Cove, NY

Age- 31

Height- 5’3”

Occupation- Singer, Song Writer, Actress, Model, Philantropist

www.ashantithisisme.com

What is she looking for in a man- I don’t know. This star is very private about her love life but she has been rumored to have been romantically involved with both her past record label producer Irv Gotti and rapper Nelly, for which she has gone on the record to deny.

For more up to date information on Ashanti visit her website or follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

But before we do, I would like to offer up my Top 5 list of things that have lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage:

1. My first marriage- Which was over practically before it really began. One of my biggest regrets was not getting out sooner! Go Girl, I’m not mad at you!

2. The battle over child support- Again, from my first marriage. Still fighting and still losing. Kim has no kids, which translates to no baby daddy drama. Again, I ‘m not mad at you!

3. The time I lost staying in an unhappy relationship. If I could get those years back I would do so in a Kardashian minute!

4. The love that I have found with my current partner in life. Eight years strong! And I wouldn’t trade him, or his love for me and my children for anything in the world!

5. My patience. I’ve found that the old saying about love being ‘patient and kind‘ is true. But, it only works when the love is real. I guess Kim hasn’t figured that out yet. Maybe she should ask her baby sister Khloe how it works.

Well, that’s my official dig weigh-in on this media circus of a story. It’s all you’ll ever hear me say or write about Kim K (maybe). I just couldn’t resist jumping on the bandwagon! Don’t judge me!

XOXO

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